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tell me something anonymously:
a secret,
something that troubles you,
something you've never told anyone else,
what you're afraid of,
something you want to say to someone but you struggle to (including me, if i make that list),
the thing or person that makes you feel most alive,
what breaks your heart,
the scariest thing you've ever done,
what makes you happy,
who you love,
and on and on.
a secret,
something that troubles you,
something you've never told anyone else,
what you're afraid of,
something you want to say to someone but you struggle to (including me, if i make that list),
the thing or person that makes you feel most alive,
what breaks your heart,
the scariest thing you've ever done,
what makes you happy,
who you love,
and on and on.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 12:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 01:27 am (UTC)Painfully so.
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Date: 2009-07-16 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 02:31 am (UTC)So many things trouble me from day to day. Recently my transitioning and how I'm going to come out. It's nerve wracking.
There is one fact that I have never told anyone. I never plan on it. They swore me to never tell anyone and I completely respect that.
I struggle to tell quite a few people things. Mostly they are people I love so dearly that I want them to know the whole me, but I fear them thinking about me differently when everything is out in the open. My grandparents top that list, I think. The thought of them not loving me like they do now makes me want to vomit.
Vast open spaces make me feel most alive.
My ex broke my heart. I can't think of any more painful experience in my life. Except maybe an infection in your colon, which I have also experienced. I still relive the moment I realized it was over and don't understand why I'm still not over it.
The scariest thing I ever did? Nothing at all is coming to mind. Things should scare me and they don't. I keep on retyping this. I really don't know!
I love a lot of people. Maybe not "a lot" but too many to list.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 02:47 am (UTC)anyway:
I don't want to live here anymore.
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Date: 2009-07-16 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 03:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 04:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 02:34 pm (UTC)personally, i don't feel you're being selfish because i've been there.
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Date: 2009-07-16 03:12 pm (UTC)i would, however, advocate against using "heavy-handed persuasion" in relation to sex 'cause that could lead to icky situations.
i hope you're able to figure this out. have you tried talking to him recently about this topic?
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Date: 2009-07-16 10:46 am (UTC)I have this deep dark side that I embrace and feel there is nothing wrong with and others claim they understand but when I get into my sick and twisted mind set for setting up story scenes, the others that claim they understand are scared by what I can produce in my writing and just how vivid it can be... It troubles me that I'm so ok with this in a way.
Everything in my life I have told to at least one other person, so this is invalid I suppose.
I'm deathly afraid that all this work I'm putting towards my "Career" is crap. That the thing that will make me happiest in the world is something I've been capable of doing all along without all this school and tens of thousands of dollars of debt. I'm deathly afraid that I'm getting a chance at this dream career and that it will bring me more happiness then I have ever known in my entire life. The prospect of being so happy when I've dealt with nothing but depression and fucked up shit most of my life is one of the scariest things I've ever encountered. I'm also afraid my sex drive will never be normal, will never be properly up to par for a real relationship. That I will never get over the sexual abuse I suffered as a child in order to be able to be comfortable with my own body and my personal perceptions on sex for it ever to be enjoyable with another person. I'm also afraid that I will never be capable of feeling really vulnerable with someone else. I desire this vulnerability, I crave it more then words would ever describe but when it comes to actually doing it, I become paralyzed with fear.
I want to tell my Ex that I miss her in a romantic sense, even though I know things didn't work out, twice, and that they probably would continue not to work out since we're not looking for the same things in life. When we were happy we were really happy, when we were miserable, it literally made me sick. She was one of the sweetest, nicest, more caring people that have ever been in my life and I terribly miss sleeping in her arms or her in mine.
Music. I feel music in every inch and fiber of my being. It wraps around my soul and can change my mood in mere seconds.
The scariest thing I've ever done is what I'm doing right now. Making connections for my dreams.
All the little things in a day. A child's smile, a random person I don't even know laughing, being able to make someone smile or laugh... Bringing joy to others and watching them be happy is what makes my life complete. Being able to help ease others pain is what makes me happy.
I'm in love with a girl that only seems to live in my head so far. I hope to some day meet her in reality. I'll marry that girl if I ever do, even if I have to fly to Spain to do, good god I'll marry her for the rest of my life.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 12:01 pm (UTC)I know it's starting to show to the people around me. I'm just getting worse and worse and all of the excuses as to why I'm not at work, why I didn't get out of bed all weekend, why I retreat to my room to "do work" but turn out the light at 8 pm in the evening... it's all going to unravel any moment.
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Date: 2009-07-16 06:24 pm (UTC)p.s. if you want to talk further or ever want support with any of these things, anonymously or not, you can send me an e-mail at liam@riseup.net and i'd be happy to listen.
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Date: 2009-07-24 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 02:14 pm (UTC)But there are a few good Convservatives I'd like to punch in the fucking face.
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Date: 2009-07-20 10:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-25 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 04:20 pm (UTC)I am afraid I cannot be the person I want to be.
My dad is my hero, as much as he drives me crazy.
My biggest pet peeve is ignorance.
I feel most alive at the ocean
no subject
Date: 2009-08-02 09:11 pm (UTC)you can always, always change your trajectory if you don't like where you're goin', i think.
I feel most alive at the ocean
the ocean puts me in awe -- i feel so small next to it in a really powerful way.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-16 05:47 pm (UTC)my ex made me feel guilty about sex and masturbation again, which is really frustrating because we've been broken up for two months and the guilt's still there.
i love a lot of people. I'm afraid of not finding someone who really loves me back.
Someone told me last night about an 8-year-old transgirl in rural Tennessee whose family had to run away because members of their community were openly plotting to kill them. that shit breaks my heart.
I'm afraid of dying. especially: dying alone, or dying without telling people how i feel about them, or dying before I'm finished with my work.
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Date: 2009-07-16 05:54 pm (UTC)The sex I'm having is so disappointing. Even worse, it's with the person I'm engaged to. I want the sex my ex & I had & never will have it again.
I can't cry about anything except selfish issues. It's because I can't deal with things I can't change.
I think I'm better than most people.
Negitivity overtakes my life, but unsurprisingly, I'm unphased by it. I'll be happy again when all this anger inside of me subsides.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-02 09:10 pm (UTC)i hope that your sex gets better! have you tried talking with your partner about what you might be able to do to improve the quality of the sex you're having together?
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Date: 2009-07-16 05:59 pm (UTC)Something I've never told anyone else, ever: I'm not staying out of relationships and hook-ups because I "don't want to get hurt". I am terrified of exposing myself as sexually inadequate to someone else. I'm pretty sure I'm horrible in bed...
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Date: 2009-07-17 11:25 pm (UTC)If I cannot have a child, I will lose my will to live.
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Date: 2009-08-02 09:08 pm (UTC)and hey, it's totally okay to not be with just one person -- i'm ethically non-monogamous myself! if you want more information, you might check out
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Date: 2009-07-22 02:33 am (UTC)i have such a hard time trusting people and i just want to shut down but i know i can't do that, i have to pick myself up, i have to keep going like i do every time.
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Date: 2009-08-02 08:58 pm (UTC)i have such a hard time trusting people and i just want to shut down but i know i can't do that
i can hear what you're saying on the trust front: i'm struggling a lot lately with the question of emotional vulnerability myself. but: i'm so glad that you are going to try to keep going. it can be so scary, and i hope that you have the support you need to take care of yourself and still be open and engaged with the world and others.
and p.s., if you ever need to shut down for awhile, that's okay, too.
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Date: 2009-07-24 02:49 am (UTC)I am terrified that I won't get a job. I am also scared that I will get hired, but for a job that I'll end up hating. I would love to decorate cakes or coordinate weddings and events, but I have no idea where to start.
It's time for a happy secret - MY SISTER IS PREGNANT! She is due around Valentine's Day. She and her husband are keeping it on the down-low until they see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or whatever it is that they do at the doctor.
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Date: 2009-08-02 09:05 pm (UTC)i hope that you find a job! have you tried temp agencies or investigating what types of bakeries/wedding-planning-type places are in your area?
and oh my goodness, congrats to your sister and to you!
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Date: 2009-07-25 01:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-02 09:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-21 01:27 am (UTC)I'm almost afraid of spiders and bats, but only if the bat lands on my head or spider lays eggs in my body. More than anything, I'm too morbid to actually be afraid of much. OH. I know what I'm afraid of:::
I'm afraid of disassociating. I'm afraid of running away from the best lover I've ever had (he's poly and trans and into bdsm and he READS... perfect!) because I can't stand to fight, to be open about my feelings or thoughts or perceptions. I'm afraid of complacency. I'm afraid of not being enough.
And sometimes, I'm afraid to talk to you. Not a fault at all, that's just... how it ends up sometimes.
no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 05:45 am (UTC)Its so hard to take action that you know will change the rest of your life and you don't perfectly know if its right, yet also so hard when not taking those steps gives panic attack inducing moments of horror if you think about dying before you do.
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Date: 2009-10-14 02:53 am (UTC)I know it sounds middle schoolish, but I absolutely fucking abhor preps.
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Date: 2009-10-14 02:53 am (UTC)You seem cool. Add me if you'd like.
thank you. this helped me so much, just to write it down.
Date: 2009-12-04 04:22 am (UTC)I feel like it's not okay for me to admit how much I hate working. I'm so easily stressed out, being out in the working world makes me so anxious that my body literally starts to break down. I just want to stay home and write.
My ex ripped my heart apart. It kills me that I still think about him, even though I'm now in love with someone else. I hate myself for compromising myself, for letting him convince me to be sexual with him, when I knew that's not what I wanted to do. Now we're broken up, and I know he has nude photos of me. And when I'm sexual with my new partner, who I love more than anything in this world, I sometimes get flashes of my ex and I'm so ashamed of that.
Just the fact that I'm a sexual person is a big secret. I consider myself a virgin, but I do engage in oral sex with my boyfriend. Despite the fact that my family and church would probably condemn me, I can't bring myself to feel badly about it. I fucking love orgasms. In fact, that's when I feel most alive : )
no subject
Date: 2009-12-15 02:10 pm (UTC)And I'm not happy here... everything that makes me happy is somewhere else but it seems like too big, and I have too much of a fear of failure to do anything to change it....
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Date: 2010-04-01 06:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-24 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-24 01:28 pm (UTC)What makes me happy is autumn because I can listen to "photograph" and know how real we all are. What makes me happy is life, sunshine. Oh, how I love sunshine!
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Date: 2010-10-03 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-14 09:51 pm (UTC)