unearthingbone | anonymous post / anonymous posting enabled

i am deathly afraid of commitment.

I wish I could really get back together with my ex, but I know if I do, I'll start hating myself and wishing I was single again.

I can't think of a specific secret. You know a lot of randomness about me so I feel like there is nothing to tell. Ask a question and you will more then likely get an honest response.

So many things trouble me from day to day. Recently my transitioning and how I'm going to come out. It's nerve wracking.

There is one fact that I have never told anyone. I never plan on it. They swore me to never tell anyone and I completely respect that.

I struggle to tell quite a few people things. Mostly they are people I love so dearly that I want them to know the whole me, but I fear them thinking about me differently when everything is out in the open. My grandparents top that list, I think. The thought of them not loving me like they do now makes me want to vomit.

Vast open spaces make me feel most alive.

My ex broke my heart. I can't think of any more painful experience in my life. Except maybe an infection in your colon, which I have also experienced. I still relive the moment I realized it was over and don't understand why I'm still not over it.

The scariest thing I ever did? Nothing at all is coming to mind. Things should scare me and they don't. I keep on retyping this. I really don't know!

I love a lot of people. Maybe not "a lot" but too many to list.

oops.

anyway:

I don't want to live here anymore.

I am afraid of being alone. I feel like I have a personality that makes people hate me and drives people away.

ever since my partner went on T his sex drive has been so unbelievably low. I've had sex twice this year and both times were the result of heavy-handed persuasion. He shows me how much he loves me but I miss our physical relationship, even though the rest of our relationship is perfect. Is that selfish??

I have a mental disorder I don't talk about because I'm ashamed of even though I try to embrace everyone for precisely who they are and never ask them to change.

I have this deep dark side that I embrace and feel there is nothing wrong with and others claim they understand but when I get into my sick and twisted mind set for setting up story scenes, the others that claim they understand are scared by what I can produce in my writing and just how vivid it can be... It troubles me that I'm so ok with this in a way.

Everything in my life I have told to at least one other person, so this is invalid I suppose.

I'm deathly afraid that all this work I'm putting towards my "Career" is crap. That the thing that will make me happiest in the world is something I've been capable of doing all along without all this school and tens of thousands of dollars of debt. I'm deathly afraid that I'm getting a chance at this dream career and that it will bring me more happiness then I have ever known in my entire life. The prospect of being so happy when I've dealt with nothing but depression and fucked up shit most of my life is one of the scariest things I've ever encountered. I'm also afraid my sex drive will never be normal, will never be properly up to par for a real relationship. That I will never get over the sexual abuse I suffered as a child in order to be able to be comfortable with my own body and my personal perceptions on sex for it ever to be enjoyable with another person. I'm also afraid that I will never be capable of feeling really vulnerable with someone else. I desire this vulnerability, I crave it more then words would ever describe but when it comes to actually doing it, I become paralyzed with fear.

I want to tell my Ex that I miss her in a romantic sense, even though I know things didn't work out, twice, and that they probably would continue not to work out since we're not looking for the same things in life. When we were happy we were really happy, when we were miserable, it literally made me sick. She was one of the sweetest, nicest, more caring people that have ever been in my life and I terribly miss sleeping in her arms or her in mine.

Music. I feel music in every inch and fiber of my being. It wraps around my soul and can change my mood in mere seconds.

The scariest thing I've ever done is what I'm doing right now. Making connections for my dreams.

All the little things in a day. A child's smile, a random person I don't even know laughing, being able to make someone smile or laugh... Bringing joy to others and watching them be happy is what makes my life complete. Being able to help ease others pain is what makes me happy.

I'm in love with a girl that only seems to live in my head so far. I hope to some day meet her in reality. I'll marry that girl if I ever do, even if I have to fly to Spain to do, good god I'll marry her for the rest of my life.

I am sick and haven't been able to lead a normal life in about six months. It's something chronic and my doctor can't seem to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm really scared but I feel like I can't tell anyone because another friend of mine is also sick, but she's much sicker than I am and everyone is focusing their love and energy on her. I know that I come off as harsh and uncaring because I don't dote on her like everyone else, but it's not because I care less... it's because I'm sick, too.

I know it's starting to show to the people around me. I'm just getting worse and worse and all of the excuses as to why I'm not at work, why I didn't get out of bed all weekend, why I retreat to my room to "do work" but turn out the light at 8 pm in the evening... it's all going to unravel any moment.

I know I play it cool and everything and try to see good in everyone.

But there are a few good Convservatives I'd like to punch in the fucking face.

I cheated on him. And I loved him.

I am afraid I cannot be the person I want to be.

My dad is my hero, as much as he drives me crazy.

My biggest pet peeve is ignorance.

I feel most alive at the ocean

there's a boy at school I've been super, super attracted to since the day i met him (October 2009), but I'm afraid of rejection and have no idea how to ask someone out.

my ex made me feel guilty about sex and masturbation again, which is really frustrating because we've been broken up for two months and the guilt's still there.

i love a lot of people. I'm afraid of not finding someone who really loves me back.

Someone told me last night about an 8-year-old transgirl in rural Tennessee whose family had to run away because members of their community were openly plotting to kill them. that shit breaks my heart.

I'm afraid of dying. especially: dying alone, or dying without telling people how i feel about them, or dying before I'm finished with my work.

What if when I leave, no one misses me? I'm scared I may be running away instead of searching for a fresh start.

The sex I'm having is so disappointing. Even worse, it's with the person I'm engaged to. I want the sex my ex & I had & never will have it again.

I can't cry about anything except selfish issues. It's because I can't deal with things I can't change.

I think I'm better than most people.

Negitivity overtakes my life, but unsurprisingly, I'm unphased by it. I'll be happy again when all this anger inside of me subsides.

I only have one person in my life that I feel I don't have to talk down to (which sounds horrible but I can't help it) and I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her, but she doesn't feel the same.
Something I've never told anyone else, ever: I'm not staying out of relationships and hook-ups because I "don't want to get hurt". I am terrified of exposing myself as sexually inadequate to someone else. I'm pretty sure I'm horrible in bed...

I don't think I'm meant to be with just one person.

If I cannot have a child, I will lose my will to live.

i am afraid that she broke up with me because i'm trans. it must be so much easier for her to be out as gay and be dating a girl who is also gay. rather than recently out as gay, dating a boy who most people read as a girl who went to her women's college.

i have such a hard time trusting people and i just want to shut down but i know i can't do that, i have to pick myself up, i have to keep going like i do every time.

It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who is having issues with my sex life.

I am terrified that I won't get a job. I am also scared that I will get hired, but for a job that I'll end up hating. I would love to decorate cakes or coordinate weddings and events, but I have no idea where to start.

It's time for a happy secret - MY SISTER IS PREGNANT! She is due around Valentine's Day. She and her husband are keeping it on the down-low until they see the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat or whatever it is that they do at the doctor.

i think i'm falling in love with someone, but i'm so scared of letting it happen because i've been hurt badly before. we're both a little messed up, but she's so beautiful on every level that i can't help wanting every bit of her, and it scares me more than anything in the world.

My friends make me happy, though I rarely get to see them. It says something when one night/ weekend can actually suffice for a month without seeing each other. Not for lack of missing one another, but abundance of stories, time to adore, laugh, write, create and become and grow. That's who I love- my friends that keep me alive. And I choose my friends for life, one of which I hope will be you.

I'm almost afraid of spiders and bats, but only if the bat lands on my head or spider lays eggs in my body. More than anything, I'm too morbid to actually be afraid of much. OH. I know what I'm afraid of:::

I'm afraid of disassociating. I'm afraid of running away from the best lover I've ever had (he's poly and trans and into bdsm and he READS... perfect!) because I can't stand to fight, to be open about my feelings or thoughts or perceptions. I'm afraid of complacency. I'm afraid of not being enough.

And sometimes, I'm afraid to talk to you. Not a fault at all, that's just... how it ends up sometimes.

I want to take the plunge to trying T or getting these fleshbags gone, I can feel that they're not supposed to be there. But I'm torn between knowing I don't really want to be a boy and that I crave being able to see a male body in the mirror. Even if that male body is something so stereotypical.

Its so hard to take action that you know will change the rest of your life and you don't perfectly know if its right, yet also so hard when not taking those steps gives panic attack inducing moments of horror if you think about dying before you do.

My ex has made it impossible for me to feel compassion.
I know it sounds middle schoolish, but I absolutely fucking abhor preps.

I wish I could completely cut my father out of my life. For some reason, I can't, so he continually is in a position to be able to hurt me.

I feel like it's not okay for me to admit how much I hate working. I'm so easily stressed out, being out in the working world makes me so anxious that my body literally starts to break down. I just want to stay home and write.

My ex ripped my heart apart. It kills me that I still think about him, even though I'm now in love with someone else. I hate myself for compromising myself, for letting him convince me to be sexual with him, when I knew that's not what I wanted to do. Now we're broken up, and I know he has nude photos of me. And when I'm sexual with my new partner, who I love more than anything in this world, I sometimes get flashes of my ex and I'm so ashamed of that.

Just the fact that I'm a sexual person is a big secret. I consider myself a virgin, but I do engage in oral sex with my boyfriend. Despite the fact that my family and church would probably condemn me, I can't bring myself to feel badly about it. I fucking love orgasms. In fact, that's when I feel most alive : )

I'm tired of never having enough money.

And I'm not happy here... everything that makes me happy is somewhere else but it seems like too big, and I have too much of a fear of failure to do anything to change it....

i think i might be becoming anorexic.

i use online dating sites for nothing other than to hear someone i don't know tell me i'm beautiful, because the word has little to no meaning for me anymore when friends say it.

What breaks my heart is I see you but I'm shy and nervous and sometimes socially awkward, even as a friend... of sorts. What I struggle to say is I want to be a better friend, a real friend, but I worry I may never make that list.

What makes me happy is autumn because I can listen to "photograph" and know how real we all are. What makes me happy is life, sunshine. Oh, how I love sunshine!

every time i have sex with a new partner, i feel like they're taking a little piece of my heart but not giving me anything in return. i thought it would be different this time around but it's not. i should have learned when i was 17 and the guy i lost my virginity to broke up with me two weeks later and ripped my heart out of my chest in the process. it never gets any easier to deal with the way this makes me feel but i always think "this time will be different." it never is.

I try to maintain a buddhist non-attachment to things, and live truly in each moment but it is so difficult at times. I love my gf dearly but I spend sometimes too worried about the future and hoping that this goes how my heart wants it to. The older I get the more I freak out about making my goals of having children a reality (Im 30) I really want to conceive one, adopt one. I want to learn to give freely over to the moment as much as possible. At least each year I feel closer to being able to do that.

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thank you. this helped me so much, just to write it down.

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