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unearthingboneI just finished reading The Last Time I Wore a Dress by Daphne Scholinski. Fantastic. I couldn't have read this book at a better time 'cause I've been experiencing a lot of internalized transphobia lately (mostly I've been getting frustrated with myself -- "why can't I just be female and deal with it? Why do I have to have all these special exceptions and shit?") and Scholinski's story reminded me that there is still so much work to do and that playing with my gender expression in ways that are comfortable to me and that asking others to address me by my chosen pronoun ("ze"/"zur" -- i.e., "I use Andrea's pronoun because it makes ze happy in zur everyday life") is okay.
Last night I was drinking lightly with some of my friends and a chaste game of Spin the Bottle occurred -- but what struck me was that none of the straight girls would kiss each other on the lips and none of the straight boys would kiss each other on the lips, either, and even for some of the straight boys kissing each other on the cheek was clearly uncomfortable, too. I was the only queer-identified person playing, and at one point, after one particularly spectacular display of the two straight boys playing getting the serious heebiejeebies about kissing each other on the cheek, I said in a light tone with a smile, "What, are you guys homophobic or something?" (I recognize that this was certainly not the best choice of language given the context, and who am I to challenge what people are comfortable doing with their bodies, but still. If both these boys had no problem kissing the straight girls playing the game and watching and egging on my super queer-friendly female roommate and I kissing but they got visibly uncomfortable kissing each other, then what gives?) Both of them got instantly defensive and they were like, "No, man, no, I love gay people, and some of my friends are homophobic and that shit is just so insane..." I wish I'd been thinking clearer and said something better-phrased and that I'd made a point about homophobia not having to necessarily be a bad thing and that homophobia doesn't always manifest itself in overt acts or declarations of actual hatred toward queer people.
I wonder about how defensive people -- especially individuals who may exist comfortably within mainstream spaces who have never had their identities discriminated against or have never thought about discrimination and social motion -- can get if you observe that they're behaving in a way that is not conducive to a true celebration of -- and not just tolerance of -- diversity. Like they're saying, "Well, since I can say that I'm not homophobic and that I support gay rights, that must mean that I'm not homophobic and I don't really have to do anything else on this topic in order to get my OpenMindednessBoyScoutBadgeTM." This sort of "acceptance," frankly, isn't enough for me -- saying you're "accepting" and the patting yourself on the back is certainly progress which I am thankful for, but these same "accepting" people are still the ones that set the standard for who gets to walk down the street holding their partner's hand and not getting rocks thrown at them. (And p.s., I realize this is totally not a general rule regarding how the heteronormative mainstream relates to the queer community by any means -- I know so many fantastic, heterosexual-identified allies who really "get 'it'" and have taught me much about my relationship, as a queer person, to the heterosexual mainstream.)
It frustrates me that many people have difficulty seeing that there is a marked difference between stating "I'm open-minded and accepting" and actually behaving in ways that are truly open-minded and accepting without having to reassure yourself and others that you're oh-so-open-minded-and-accepting. My friend Katie observed once that upon coming out to one of her friends in a new social circle, her friend responded, "Oh, it's totally okay that you're [insert identity label here]! I love [label] people!" and that, while she completely appreciated the support, she wonders why the receivers of coming-out declarations even have to declare such things outloud and identify these behaviors that are "othered" by the mainstream as belonging to a subculture.
I have many friends who observe my back-and-forth-and-up-and-down identity vacillations and never say a word about the fact that one day I'm in love with a trans girl and the next I'm in love with a trans man and the next a cisgendered (biological) male and the next a cisgendered female, and that is the kind of tacit acceptance I'm talking about. It's not necessarily about being a member of the Welcome-to-the-Accepting-Straight-Family-Let's-Assimilate! P.T.A. -- for me, it's more about not judging my choices and my identities and accepting them fullfold as being part of who I am.
Identity politics create so much insecurity for those who are othered (meaning those who do not fit neat little social boxes and could fall under the category of "other"), and even moreso, I think, in some ways, for the mainstream -- having people who don't fit our tickyboxes of social acceptability creates insecurity for those who do, as a whole, I think, because it challenges their previously-solid (and probably, until that point, transparent) social privelege and assumptions. Othered identities create social insecurity, and insecurity is where phobia -- trans-, homo-, what-have-you -- comes from. And on my wishlist of idealism is that people would stop getting pissed about my existence as a queer/trans person and start examining their own privileges, social dominance and normative behavior. (And, p.s., this goes for queer/trans people, too -- just 'cause we're all already othered in one way doesn't mean some of us, myself included, don't collect other privileges that I wish we'd be thinking about and deconstructing and understanding as much as I desire the heterosexual mainstream to do about us. There is no minority "trump card.")
One of the straight boys from last night also repeatedly kept using the word "queer" as a derogatory word, which is something another one of my female straight friends was doing a couple of weeks ago, too, and when I objected gently, she got defensive, too, and her response was something like, "I don't mean anything by it, and how could you think I would, since I'm so open-minded that I'm friends with you?" Sorry, but being my friend and supporting my queer/trans identities, while absolutely admirable and something I appreciate deeply, doesn't mean you get to then throw around my identity names as diminishing terminology. Almost everybody in the heterosexual mainstream is homophobic, just like everyone is racist to some degree within white society.
I wish more people in the mainstream were open to discussion and asking questions and making mistakes about identities and learning in general. A few months ago I was interviewed by a bunch of "straight-as-they-come" sorta masculine-identified stereotypical straight dudes on a radio show about queerness and gender identity, and these guys were messing up language left and right and making erroneous assumptions about gender politics, etc. -- but I appreciated at the end of the day that they were trying and asking questions and really listening and really, truly wanting to learn about what it's like to be queer or gender-variant. That was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had and it was such a solid learning experience for me that there are people in the mainstream who may not necessarily be in the "know" and really want to try to understand, even if they may not be able to ever fully empathize. The only way we're ever going to get to true equality -- I mean, that idealized kind of place people who don't understand why "labels are necessary" because we're all ~*humanzzzzzz*~ talk about where we don't bat eyelashes at differences in pigment or god(esse)s or genitalia or brain structure or chromosomes or hipsize or relationship structures or body ability or monies -- is to cut the separatism and let everyone play with everybody else's identities and ask questions and work to understand each other.
Last night I was drinking lightly with some of my friends and a chaste game of Spin the Bottle occurred -- but what struck me was that none of the straight girls would kiss each other on the lips and none of the straight boys would kiss each other on the lips, either, and even for some of the straight boys kissing each other on the cheek was clearly uncomfortable, too. I was the only queer-identified person playing, and at one point, after one particularly spectacular display of the two straight boys playing getting the serious heebiejeebies about kissing each other on the cheek, I said in a light tone with a smile, "What, are you guys homophobic or something?" (I recognize that this was certainly not the best choice of language given the context, and who am I to challenge what people are comfortable doing with their bodies, but still. If both these boys had no problem kissing the straight girls playing the game and watching and egging on my super queer-friendly female roommate and I kissing but they got visibly uncomfortable kissing each other, then what gives?) Both of them got instantly defensive and they were like, "No, man, no, I love gay people, and some of my friends are homophobic and that shit is just so insane..." I wish I'd been thinking clearer and said something better-phrased and that I'd made a point about homophobia not having to necessarily be a bad thing and that homophobia doesn't always manifest itself in overt acts or declarations of actual hatred toward queer people.
I wonder about how defensive people -- especially individuals who may exist comfortably within mainstream spaces who have never had their identities discriminated against or have never thought about discrimination and social motion -- can get if you observe that they're behaving in a way that is not conducive to a true celebration of -- and not just tolerance of -- diversity. Like they're saying, "Well, since I can say that I'm not homophobic and that I support gay rights, that must mean that I'm not homophobic and I don't really have to do anything else on this topic in order to get my OpenMindednessBoyScoutBadgeTM." This sort of "acceptance," frankly, isn't enough for me -- saying you're "accepting" and the patting yourself on the back is certainly progress which I am thankful for, but these same "accepting" people are still the ones that set the standard for who gets to walk down the street holding their partner's hand and not getting rocks thrown at them. (And p.s., I realize this is totally not a general rule regarding how the heteronormative mainstream relates to the queer community by any means -- I know so many fantastic, heterosexual-identified allies who really "get 'it'" and have taught me much about my relationship, as a queer person, to the heterosexual mainstream.)
It frustrates me that many people have difficulty seeing that there is a marked difference between stating "I'm open-minded and accepting" and actually behaving in ways that are truly open-minded and accepting without having to reassure yourself and others that you're oh-so-open-minded-and-accepting. My friend Katie observed once that upon coming out to one of her friends in a new social circle, her friend responded, "Oh, it's totally okay that you're [insert identity label here]! I love [
I have many friends who observe my back-and-forth-and-up-and-down identity vacillations and never say a word about the fact that one day I'm in love with a trans girl and the next I'm in love with a trans man and the next a cisgendered (biological) male and the next a cisgendered female, and that is the kind of tacit acceptance I'm talking about. It's not necessarily about being a member of the Welcome-to-the-Accepting-Straight-Family-Let's-Assimilate! P.T.A. -- for me, it's more about not judging my choices and my identities and accepting them fullfold as being part of who I am.
Identity politics create so much insecurity for those who are othered (meaning those who do not fit neat little social boxes and could fall under the category of "other"), and even moreso, I think, in some ways, for the mainstream -- having people who don't fit our tickyboxes of social acceptability creates insecurity for those who do, as a whole, I think, because it challenges their previously-solid (and probably, until that point, transparent) social privelege and assumptions. Othered identities create social insecurity, and insecurity is where phobia -- trans-, homo-, what-have-you -- comes from. And on my wishlist of idealism is that people would stop getting pissed about my existence as a queer/trans person and start examining their own privileges, social dominance and normative behavior. (And, p.s., this goes for queer/trans people, too -- just 'cause we're all already othered in one way doesn't mean some of us, myself included, don't collect other privileges that I wish we'd be thinking about and deconstructing and understanding as much as I desire the heterosexual mainstream to do about us. There is no minority "trump card.")
One of the straight boys from last night also repeatedly kept using the word "queer" as a derogatory word, which is something another one of my female straight friends was doing a couple of weeks ago, too, and when I objected gently, she got defensive, too, and her response was something like, "I don't mean anything by it, and how could you think I would, since I'm so open-minded that I'm friends with you?" Sorry, but being my friend and supporting my queer/trans identities, while absolutely admirable and something I appreciate deeply, doesn't mean you get to then throw around my identity names as diminishing terminology. Almost everybody in the heterosexual mainstream is homophobic, just like everyone is racist to some degree within white society.
I wish more people in the mainstream were open to discussion and asking questions and making mistakes about identities and learning in general. A few months ago I was interviewed by a bunch of "straight-as-they-come" sorta masculine-identified stereotypical straight dudes on a radio show about queerness and gender identity, and these guys were messing up language left and right and making erroneous assumptions about gender politics, etc. -- but I appreciated at the end of the day that they were trying and asking questions and really listening and really, truly wanting to learn about what it's like to be queer or gender-variant. That was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had and it was such a solid learning experience for me that there are people in the mainstream who may not necessarily be in the "know" and really want to try to understand, even if they may not be able to ever fully empathize. The only way we're ever going to get to true equality -- I mean, that idealized kind of place people who don't understand why "labels are necessary" because we're all ~*humanzzzzzz*~ talk about where we don't bat eyelashes at differences in pigment or god(esse)s or genitalia or brain structure or chromosomes or hipsize or relationship structures or body ability or monies -- is to cut the separatism and let everyone play with everybody else's identities and ask questions and work to understand each other.
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no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 01:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:24 am (UTC)1) Before I get started, I wonder if my whole perception here would be different if a different anecdote had started the entry--reading that you had were unhappy with boys being uncomfortable kissing each other immediately threw me off.
2) I'm trying to explore why my gut reaction is to say, "Get over it." (in a really nice, friend, I adore you, sort of way). I guess what you say is accurate and thoughtful, but at the same time I get an an impression that you're insisting that you're entitled to some things that I disagree with.
who am I to challenge what people are comfortable doing with their bodies, but still. If both these boys had no problem kissing the straight girls playing the game and watching and egging on my super queer-friendly female roommate and I kissing but they got visibly uncomfortable kissing each other, then what gives?
As soon as you say "but still" I get turned off from your entry. I think you're right when you ask "Who am I to challenge what people are comfortable doing with their bodies?" because asking two straight boys to feel comfortable kissing each other is a little much for your crusade. It's one thing for someone to witness two guys making out and to openly mock them or throw a fit, etc etc, but the act of kissing another person can be uncomfortable in many situations. Narrowing it down to just male kissing male seems a little over the top. Maybe they were uncomfortable because they were friends and didn't want it to be weird or they didn't know each other well enough. And I don't think that those two are stretches and maybe two male friends would never know each other well enough to feel comfortable kissing, but I'm thinking that depending on who was in the room, I may be uncomfortable kissing a girl sometime for similar reasons. Does this mean I'm uncomfortable with lesbianism or bisexuality and things like that? No, I just may not feel comfortable kissing Girl A for whatever reason I feel. And I think that giving the guys a hard time for being uncomfortable and using "homophobic" (regardless of your belief on the actual definition, that it can be good, or that it's okay in some situation, whatever ... because honestly, actual definitions are nothing compared to the social connotation and situation) was a bad idea, and you can tell the way these guys are apologetic and "No, no no!" trying to make up for something that they shouldn't have to so that they don't look like assholes. I think your expectations here are way too high. (cont'd)
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:32 am (UTC)I hate all the "celebrate diversity" bullshit. I think that asking that we all celebrate diversity is asking too much. I think tolerate is fine. I believe that if you're not interfering with another person's life, that is, if you're straight, and don't have a problem with someone's gender and sexual fluidity, awesome. Which is exactly what I wanted to get across when I mentioned the situation with my friend. I guess by wishing she hadn't reacted with "Oh it's okay with me" (she'd never said "I love identity, but I figure that there are many many people who have responded that way and thus validate your using that statement) means that I wasn't looking for a celebration of my diversity. I sometimes think that "diversity" is the bullshit clogging up the lines of community. By celebrating diversity we're cementing our differences, instead of celebrating ... I don't know, is individuality the right word? Celebrate me as a person, and not the fact that I happen to be diverse from you.
I know that you go into this in the next paragraph about falling in love with different people, and I think this is where I get confused by what you're saying because I feel like you contradict yourself in this paragraph. It seems like before you're insisting that one's acceptance of the gender identity situation needs be bigger than just not batting an eye, and that's the main thing I get irritated with.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 11:48 am (UTC)I think that you claiming that this gender issue causes insecurity in people who don't struggle with this is uncalled for and is pushing your situation onto other people. I think that there are plenty of mainstream people who don't care if people have gender identity issues. I suppose I may fall under this category, and forgive me for generalizing, but I know that between all the anti-gay marriage-is-between-man-and-woman are open-minded people who have their own issues and their own lives who don't bat their eyes at gender identity issues, who say "To each his own," who do their best in society to not use the word "queer" because it maybe offensive, who are just trying to pave their own lives without stepping on anybody's toes. Okay, so you want a blase person to study gender identity. Okay, so gender identity causes angst (...real angst, not emo angst, because I do believe it's something that one struggles with, etc), but so does having an abusive mother, or growing up being terrorized by older siblings, or coming to terms with the way you were raised, or that your great grandparents were Nazis or growing up Mexican in a white environment .... or even smaller things that effect us all individually. We all have our problems and situations and we all must deal with them and with people who don't understand what
AND SHIT I'm running really late for work and I have like a few more things to say so this is NOT COMPLETE and wait until I'm done to comment back as a whole. Because this sounds funny leaving off at a weird place like this
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 01:20 pm (UTC)I've also got a few more points I'd like to make that I need to let marinade futher than 7 AM, so I will definitely come back to this later today. Again, thank you for your willingness to say all these things and the gentleness and honesty of your communication style.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 01:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 05:09 pm (UTC)And now will attempt to finish my thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 09:36 pm (UTC)And honestly with all the labels - the "queer", "gay", "trans", etc ... honestly, I get confused as hell. I don't know the difference between one and the other. Andrea, I know you identify as queer, but I don't know the difference between queer and lesbian, until we get into your personal gender, etc etc, and it's so ... I guess stupid to me only because I don't know or see any of that. You're just Andrea. So while I agree that gender is not binary, that doesn't mean it's...trinary. Or Quadinary. Or whatever. Why can't we all just be? I guess that's where my frustration stems from. I just like you and people for who you are.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-26 09:44 pm (UTC)In the "Choose your battles" - I wholeheartedly agree with pushing, politically, nationally and locally, for equality and equal rights, and things like that. That's the type of battle I'd like to see you throw yourself into. Not the small stuff. Love, lead by example, kindly educate, spur conversation, etc with the people around you. Don't turn into someone people resent hanging out with. Be flexible - people close to you will see and know notice.
Woah, skinny commentspace indeed!
Date: 2008-05-30 08:27 pm (UTC)The small stuff, to me, is just as important as, if not moreso, than the grander scale. How else are we going to effect massive change on a national level without changing individual thought frameworks, behavior and word choice? You can't just make a law suddenly and demand that 300 million individuals it; I mean, you can, certainly, but the most effective way to affect change on a massive scale is to start small -- to start with individual interactions, individual considerations. That way, people are able to make up their own minds about the information you're presenting them and they're not just forced to come to the conclusion you want them to come to -- then many people may feel resentment for having their right to choose stripped away.
Most people who exhibit homophobic/transphobic/et al behavior just have never been asked to think about things any other way, and having someone present an alternative schema to them is oftentimes all it takes to help them understand better. That's what grassroots movements like the gender- and queer-rights movements are about -- individual conversations that translate into cohesive movement that translate into paradigmatic shifts on a national level.
I live my life every day to educate others and to meet them where they are at -- that's the honest reason why I have decided to express my gender identity and my queerness in the physically-tangible ways that I do. And I think that last piece is so important -- to meet people where they are -- to tailor educational conversation and language to a person at the level they're at and not immediately start demanding that people start using my language and my gender identity this and my queerness that. No -- you gotta go from 101 onward and not make assumptions about what people know and what they're comfortable with.
And, frankly, I don't give a shit if I'm someone people resent hanging out with because I ask them to consider other perspectives or challenge their racist, homophobic, transphobic, or other phobic or -ist language and behavior. I'm not gonna live a non-offensive, non-irritating life because just because it might get under someone else's skin -- I know my constant "check yo' language" stuff can be irritating to others but I'm still gonna do it because it's my right and my responsibility to my own identity that I ask other people to use language that is comfortable to me and creates an even plane of power between us, not gives it to one person (which includes me) in the conversation.
(And yes, again, I have to say I wish I'd phrased my question to those two straight boys much better, but one foible on my part does not negate my strong commitment to loving and kind educating that meets individuals at the level they're operating at and does not demand that they meet me where I am.) I have been blessed to have many amazing, supportive friends -- I'm glad to have conversations with other people, to let our lives brush up against each other for the time that we have, but I could really give a shit whether they like me or not or whether they think my "language policing" is inappropriate or not. For me it's entirely appropriate and that's the important part.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-30 08:39 pm (UTC)I think gender-variance (or any other variance from social norms of race, religion, gender, sex, sexual orientation, body ability, ethnicity, body size, brain structure, brain ability) 100% causes insecurity at a social level for people who don't struggle with issues of gender (et al) on a regular basis. I'm not saying that people individually are necessarily made insecure by me having gender issues (that would indeed me be saying HAHA I'M MAKING YOU INSECURE!) -- but the existence of something other than what is expected and dictated by social norms creates insecurity in the very most basic sense of the definition of the word "insecurity" -- something other than what is expected by the definition of a norm creates shakiness for the norm to stand on. It's like if cats suddenly evolved to look like dogs -- then what we've always known as the physical representation of the word "cat" would be new and different and the definition of the word "cat" would be suddenly more malleable than it had ever been before. For some cat-lovers, this is going to bring confusion when they look at their cats at home: If this is what I know to be a cat and I'm supposed to also believe that other non-cat-looking-being is a cat, then what is a cat really? How can both these things be a cat?
The idea of "live and let live" isn't enough for me, again, because of the differences between tolerance, acceptance, and celebration of diversity. "Live and let live" or "it doesn't bother me so long as you don't push it on me" is tolerating -- I'll let you be who you are and I'll be who I am, but the thing is I am the dominant, power-holding party here because I am "granting" you the ability to "be" whatever you want and so I get to decide what is normal enough to "let live" and what isn't.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-30 08:13 pm (UTC)Or, another example: About five years ago in a Las Vegas casino, a "butch"-presenting lesbian employee was fired after the casino changed its dress-code regulations to mandate that female employees must wear skirts and make-up to work. This employee, who had a fourteen-year(ish) history with the company and received outstanding reviews every year from her superiors and peers, complied with wearing a skirt, but did not feel comfortable wearing make-up. After she initiated a conversation with her superiors about this issue, she was fired for non-compliance to the dress code. Because the sexism of the dress code (women must wear make-up to be attractive) did not allow her to manifest her gender identity in a way that she was comfortable with and her employers fired her for "non-compliance to the dress code," this is an example of asking someone to cover the physical, emotional or behavioral aspects of an identity. They did not fire her for being a lesbian, so it could be said that by employing an openly-lesbian employee this company was being tolerant of diversity -- but the fact that they fired her because her lesbian-associated self-proclaimed butch gender expression was in non-compliance with their dress code is still an example of sexism and homophobia because they would not allow her to "look" gay. Though they'd "tolerate" her lesbian identity, when it came down to this employee actually "acting" like a lesbian, they wanted her to cover that aspect of her identity.
We have to celebrate diversity in order to truly accept it. Tolerating something is not enough -- have you thought about how people use the word "tolerate" colloquially? In my experience, people don't use it when they really dig something. Its common usage is, far more frequently, along the lines of, "I'm not a huge fan of dairy products, but I can tolerate them." Or "I think Josephine is kind of annoying sometimes, but I can tolerate her in small doses."
I don't want to be tolerated -- I want to be accepted, celebrated, supported. And I think in order to get there, people have to really see and understand and be exposed to the realities of the practical application of identity -- for example: the "ups-and-downs" of who I'm attracted to; two men holding hands in the street; a photo of a gay man's partner on his desk at work; a butch-identified employee wearing dress slacks working alongside several other non-butch-identified employees in miniskirts and dress slacks -- in order to understand how important it is to celebrate, not tolerate. That's why, for me, this situation needs to be bigger than not batting an eyelash at someone's disclosure of their identity. Identity doesn't end at someone claiming the word for their self-description.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-30 07:56 pm (UTC)It's one thing for someone to witness two guys making out and to openly mock them or throw a fit, etc etc, but the act of kissing another person can be uncomfortable in many situations.
Yes, kissing another person can be uncomfortable in many situations, certainly, and that's why it's up to an individual person's choice. However, homophobia (which I don't find to be the most appropriate word always to describe many people's reactions to the queer community) isn't just about being afraid of or mocking something overtly -- one of the most damaging types of homophobia, I've found, is the more subtle kind, like in this instance with these two boys who were perfectly comfortable watching girls kiss each other and making sexist-type comments like, "More tongue! More tongue, ladies!" but who got visibly uncomfortable at the thought of even touching each other or touching Jacques, let along kissing each other. This is similar to someone wrinking their nose or making a disgusted face upon seeing someone who "looks" queer or seeing two women or men walking down the street holding hands.
After I said, "What, are you guys homophobic or something?" and both of them stated, "No, no," they then said, "there's only one path I take, and that's the straight path. I wouldn't kiss guys." So, yes, though subtle, this was, to me, an example of homophobia as well as sexism because the two straight males playing the game could enjoy watching straight girls kiss each other but would not even let their knees bump.
And of course, there's no way you could have known that from this description here, and I think that a lot of what I'm objecting to is more the patriarchal male dominance element here than the simple fact of homophobia.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-03 06:01 pm (UTC)