Dec. 30th, 2009

HAUNTING THE SELF

i was just sorting through boxes of my stuff, and i found several CDs jay, my friend who committed suicide two years ago, burned for me of music and movies from our freshman year of college. i have almost nothing with his handwriting on it, and it's sort of jarring to have these relics sitting in my lap.

the CDs he gave still aren't anything that i feel overly excited about in terms of content -- a nine inch nails mix and a creepy, excessively-violent japanese horror movie -- nor was i excited about either of these things when he gave them to me, but he wanted me to have them anyway. and that was so jay: i think he viewed himself as a selfless person, maybe even a giver -- and he really did have a big, raw, deeply-empathic heart, which i think is part of what brought him so much suffering -- but he often seemed to give things without asking, or to give things that were based in his interests and not necessarily an honest reading of the other person, their wants, their likes. i think the things he seemed to give were things he wished others would give him.

sometimes his compassion was perfect, more than i would expect any human being to carry in their hearts. the summer between freshman and sophore years... )

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unearthingbone

February 2012

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